Officially Unofficial • Satirical & Sincere
Brian “Muscles” Back
Part iron, part irony. A life told in oversized portions: bodybuilding devotion, entrepreneurial detours, questionable golf form, and great friends.
Golf fit: Tour-level. Swing: interpretive. Confidence: unwavering.
Biography
Biceps, Banter, and the Long Pivot
Brian’s origin story starts with the sacred trinity of chicken, rice, and heavy iron. Then his knees voted for term limits. The pivot? Golf — where the wardrobe shines, the scorecard negotiates, and the jokes write themselves.
Between sets and snacks, he experimented with alter-egos (hello, B Rizzle), founded a data startup (farewell, equity), and perfected the ancient art of carrying all grocery bags in one trip.
B's Summary
The résumé that escaped a protein shaker
- Former Bodybuilder — Worshipped the trinity of chicken, rice, and heavy iron. Broccoli is a garnish, not a vegetable.
- Golf Convert — Knees retired early; polos went pro. Swing remains a cautionary tale with great accessorizing.
- Rapper “B Rizzle” — Courageously freed music from the tyranny of rhythm and rhyme. Producers remain speechless.
- Startup Founder (Datazar) — Collected invaluable data on how fast equity evaporates. Tuition paid, diploma pending.
- Competitive Eater — Brunch is a contact sport; dessert goes to sudden death and often overtime.
- Adventurer — Toddler-fashion experiments; small-gator wrangling; legendary single-trip groceries (true functional fitness).
- World’s Most Aggressive Water Drinker — Hydration is a lifestyle brand. Bottle never leaves the frame.
- Glacial Decision Making — Will talk about doing something 10,000 times over 10 years before actually doing it. Beta program currently open.
- Legally blind in one eye — Depth perception is a team sport; high-fives occasionally require two attempts.
- Bad driver (see above) — Blinker optional, curb mandatory; parking sensors file annual complaints.
- Weaknesses — Patience, yoga beyond “lying down,” and chip wheelies.
Greatest Hits*
*As judged by brunch companions and gym spotters
Alligator Whisperer
Polo Aficionado
One-Trip Groceries
Car-Alarm Tenor
Macro Accountant
Datazar (failure is an option)
Aggressive Water Drinker
Idea Workshopping (10k reps)
Legally Blind (one eye)
Bad Driver (see above)
Also on record: discovering yoga has more poses than “nap,” and proving brunch is endurance training when you order like you mean it.
Guiding Principles
Simple. Loud. Effective.
- Show up early. (Arrive before the excuses do.)
- Lift heavy. (Weights, spirits, morale.)
- Eat faster. (Fork speed is a competitive metric.)
- Reinvent yourself often. (Especially when life — or knees — demand it.)
What Friends Say
The person behind the punchlines
- Caring & loyal — shows up when it counts; friendships that last.
- Direct, delivered with care — honesty that lands like a favor.
- Finds the laugh — especially at himself, inviting everyone else in.
